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VttI's Valentines Meat and Two Veg

The new boy has not only agreed to go by the name of ‘Meat and Two Veg’ on my blog, but actually came up with the alias, so what better way to make his debut than with a special Valentines recipe for meat and two veg. I have Kirsty Brown to thank for the inspiration and Regan Collins who she stole it from.


1 Rod
½ glass Sheila
1 Cyprus birth
1 pint Nigel
1 nomadic childhood
1 pint Kentish ale
1 Leeds Uni
Gaggle of girlies
Lashings of lads
½ glass Finnish tyttö
1 handful veljenpoika
1 Croydon castle
1 Trashbag McGee


In a large bowl, gently add the Rod to the Sheila and knead for approximately 30 minutes, more vigorously towards the end. Leave to age for 9 months.

Add 1 Cyprus birth and remove from the bowl. Throw in 1 Nigel and beat with brotherly love.

The mix benefits from aging in different climates, so move it regularly for a varied flavour and texture, before stirring in 1 pint of Kentish ale and leaving to ferment.

Post Chatham years, add to Leeds Uni with a gaggle of girlies and lashings of lads and leave to mature for 3 years. Add excessive beer, shots and kebabs for a truly authentic cure.

Add a little bit of Finnish tyttö and, a few years later, some veljenpoika and allow 14 years to develop.

Meanwhile, stir in the Croydon castle over 3 years. With strong arms and builder boy grit, model the housing into a refined and classy shape, not befitting of its surrounds.

For the Valentines special, throw the mix into the Trashbag and add infinite snuggles, cuddles and kisses on all her pink parts. Add good wine and cooking to butter up the mix. If after some further curing, it looks hangry, throw bacon butties at it from the Dirty Caf.

The final result should be generous, kind, thoughtful, funny and an all-round hottie.

Happy Valentines M&2V!

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Reader Comments (1)

omigod that's so funny - it's a very fine adaption of the origininal recipe. I can't believe I haven't visited your site for more than 6 weeks so i have only just found this . Please get Meat and Two Veg to nag you to post more , and i will aim to be more diligent .Happy Easter from Down Under where Father Brown cooked a fine Laksa last night - he didn't think it was hot enough , but great flavour - and we're already devouring a magnificent chocolate bunny - couldn't wait till Sunday!

March 31, 2018 | Unregistered Commenterma

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